Being with you, babe, is better than nothing
and nothing is better than being with you.
Can I buy you a drink again sometime or something?
I need a couple. You need a few.

I was up against the wall, leaning so I wouldn't fall.
I drank to the brink of the very last drink
and then I gave you a call.

Because talking to you, babe, is better than nothing
and nothing is better than talking to you.
Won't you speak to me again my little dumpling?
Who knows what talking might lead us to?

I'm gonna kick these sad blues out.
I swear I'll stop looking down.
You need to be uplifted and, me,
I've been grieving my way around.

But crying to you, babe, is better than nothing
and nothing is better than crying to you.
Won't you wipe away my tears and call me 'pumpkin'?
Who knows what crying might make you do?

The tin man was misled by a very bad man who said,
"What really counts is love in amounts."
I just want to wake up in your bed

because sleeping with you, babe, is better than nothing
and nothing is better than sleeping with you.
If we can't fall asleep we can just lie awake or something.
Who knows what just lying there might lead us to?
Who knows what just lying there might make us do?
We'll be a little bit rusty and a little bit new.

[BACK TO TOP]

I had a car one time, a twelve-thousand dollar car.
And the trunk was filled with amplifiers and guitars.
It had a sunroof and a stick shift and it took super-unleaded gas.
Down the 405 and up the 101 I'd drive it fast.

But one too many times I parked it on Electric Avenue.
And one too many times I tied lumber to the roof.
And one too many times I thought the thing was bulletproof.

And the windows were smashed and the seats torn apart
and the car ended up like a shopping cart
with no antenna and dented doors
and scratches from the 2X4s.

And I can't have anything that's nice.

I had a pair of shoes. They were made in 1945.
They looked brand new but in those shoes that vintage spirit shined.
The old man wore them once then they sat in his closet.
Well, I guess they stood.
And with my sharkskin suit those shoes looked pretty good.

But one too many times I wore them out in the rain.
And one too many times they stepped on peddles
while I sang and I played.
And one too many times I shoved them down in my suitcase.

And the leather was ripped and the soles wore through
and the heels fell off and my blisters grew.
The laces were frayed and the edges were scuffed.
They were bent in half like the old man was.

And I can't have anything that's nice.

I had a girl one time.
She must have cost me twelve-thousand dollars, maybe more.
She looked brand new but from her that vintage spirit soared.
I drove her home at night. I even walked her to her door.
She fit me right and I made her engine roar.

But one too many times I wore her out in the rain.
And one too many times I thought Electric Avenue was Lovers Lane.
And one too many times I promised to but I couldn't change.

And her heels flew off, there were scratches and dents,
and the ropes on her hands went straight to her head.
Nothing was left to tie her down so she left me for a wedding gown.

And I can't have anything.
No, I can't have anything.
No, I can't keep anything that's nice.

[BACK TO TOP]

Little bee, I want to play with you
but I'm afraid.
Little bee, I am suspicious of you.
I think you like me for my lemonade.

Little bee, the color of the sun,
you're keeping me warm.
Little bee, you showed me where you're from.
You introduced me to your swarm.

She's got a black belt and a yellow belly.
Her knotted back felt like her spine was jelly
but then the facts melt and you end up kvelling.
Busy little bee, buzzing humbly, be in love with me.

Little bee, I want to be with you,
be not afear'd.
Little bee, I long to listen to you
when you're humming in my ear.

A shady tree, a honeycomb,
always never coming home.
Karma of a Gemini.
Sting me and you'll surely die.

She's got a black belt and a yellow belly.
Her knotted back felt like her spine was jelly
but then the facts melt and you end up kvelling,
Busy bumble bee, buzzing humbly, be in love with me.

She's got a black belt and a yellow belly.
Her knotted back felt like her spine was jelly
but then the facts melt and you end up kvelling,
Busy little bee, buzzing humbly, be in love with me.

[BACK TO TOP]

She brings me a lily in the morning.
She grows lilies in her garden.
Her walls are shades of red and gold.
She painted them herself like her ceramic bowls.
We drink double margaritas.
We play pool and I can't beat her.
She makes me listen to Tom Jones
while she talks Japanese on the telephone.

Stay new, stay new.
I don't want to get used to you,
I don't want to get used to you.

She tries to make her dog do a trick.
He only wants to run and lick her.
She rewards him anyway.
She can't resist.
Sometimes she's that way.
When she travels she comes back
and pins a flag into her map.
When she goes for a horseback ride
she leaves her birdcage hung up outside.

Stay new, stay new.
I don't want to get used to you.
I don't want to get used to you.

There are seconds that stand up
once the day has put its hands up.
I never caught them standing still
but in this they always will stay new.

I don't want to get used to you.

[BACK TO TOP]

No one ever taught me anything about money.
No one ever taught me anything about real life.
But I learned how to play guitar, tennis, and chess, and how to swim
in a heated swimming pool in my backyard summer nights.
And all I had to do was clean up for the cleaning lady
and take the towels out to the pool,
take off my sneakers, wipe my feet on the mat.
"Don't track mud through the living room."

I come from a carpeted world.

My good childhood just got better and better.
I was sent around the world more times than a chain letter.
Five star hotel family vacations weren't so bad.
C'mon give me some more quarters for the gameroom, Dad.
Hey baby, you wanna take my new Camaro out for a ride?
Or maybe my mother's Cadillac?
I only need one hand to drive that thing.
Let's cut class and go back to my house for a little privacy.
Something's being recorded. Don't touch the big screen t.v.
We'll only be alone until a quarter to four.
No time to mess up the bed and make it again
but we can lie down here on the floor

because I come from a carpeted world.

Man, in college I was really something to see.
I thought I had it coming to me.
My money grew on trees and so the seed was sewn.
I had unlimited funds when all my friends had student loans.
And they were all on budgets but I was on the payroll.
I was in the black when they were in the hole.
And even when finally I set out on my own
I lived closer to the skin than I did to the bone.
Everytime I passed a bank machine I'd make a withdrawal.
I was always resting on somebody else's laurels.

Living on easy street never was too hard
until I tried to pay my dues with my father's credit card,
until the flow of money slowed down,
until my kingdom wasn't worth my crown.
And so I had to have a job but I had to quit.
I hated it.
And so I sold everything I ever owned
and I travelled around this country
singing "I Ain't Got No Home" by Woody Guthrie.
But soon I realized that I was ill prepared
to live in any other way
but in the way I lived back there
where I come from.

Money never meant that much to me
when I was sitting in the lap of luxury.
But luxury spread her legs
or maybe she just stood up and walked away.
Maybe she bent over to tie her shoe forgetting I was there
and that's when I fell out of her rocking chair
and landed right here on my friend's living room floor.
That's where I sleep now that I'm not with her anymore.
So far from my ceiling near the ground I lay.
I never thought I'd be so close to carpeting in this way.

So now I'm just depleting my savings, I'm diminishing my funds.
I'm almost down to hundreds, twenties, fives, and ones.
And everybody says,
"Be a person, get another job, make some money, find a place."
They say I'm lazy and this may be the case.
But my cousin understands and next week he's flying me down
to Cabo San Lucas. That's a Spanish-speaking town in Mexico.
We're gonna play tennis and chess,
swim in the ocean, I'll play guitar on the beach.
It's an all expenses paid vacation for me.
And all my friends who work so hard for a living say,
"What do you need a vacation from?
You don't do anything anyway."
And I say, "That may be true but this is the truth, too.
A man must get what he is used to
and I come from a carpeted world."

[BACK TO TOP]

You and I know we're through
but my mother still loves you.
You and I know you're long gone
but my mother, she's still holding on.
I think it's clear that we're over and done
but my mother still says, "Believe me,
she's the one for you."
I say, "Mom, she's around the bend."
But my mother can't accept the end.

She said goodbye to her husband, it's true.
But my mother won't say goodbye to you.

I tell her how you've gone away
but my mother still speaks of the day
when you walked into her kitchen and you kissed her hello.
If she only knew what we both know.
If she knew how badly I messed up
she'd know no amount of luck
could help us out or make us up.
No, if she knew she'd give up.

You and I know the ending came
but your father still asks if I saw the game.
And it's been so long since I moved out
but your father still asks, "Is he there right now?"
He's not known for his memory
but your father sure remembers me.
I understand that it's for good
but, so far, he hasn't understood.

He got a divorce and he was free
but your father won't let go of me.

You tell him how I've gone away
but your father still speaks of the day
when I walked into his store and I said, "Hello."
If he only knew what we both know.
If he knew how badly I messed up
he'd know not to wish us luck.
He'd know that fate is not with us.
No, if he knew he'd give up.

You and I know we made mistakes
but, baby, we should try again
for the parents' sake.

[BACK TO TOP]

I just saw Annie Get Your Gun
and it was starring, you know, the one
I've always loved and often dreamed about.

She was great in the show, the best by far,
a truly charismatic star.
And so I waited by the stage door to whistle and shout.

I went home and rented Pennies from Heaven
and I felt like I did when I was seven
and I saw The Jerk for the first time and I was like, Wow!

Yes, I've been in love with Bernadette Peters
and the age difference never mattered.
She's so soft and her small smile breaks my heart.

But in The Jerk I also loved that part when
the biker chick weighed Steve Martin
by feeling his ass cheeks and jiggling them around.

And when I was nineteen I found myself seeing
this biker chick from Pasadena.
She used to ride me on the back of her Sportster all over town.

She was older than me but not so much older.
Maybe halfway between me and Bernadette Peters.
But I was nineteen and so I let her down.

But she made me love her even when
I had the flu and I loved her then.
But I was also in love with You Know Who.

Yes, I was in love with Bernadette Peters
and the age difference didn't matter.
She's so pale and curly and cute and smart.
She's so soft and her small smile breaks my heart.

Yes, I am in love with Bernadette Peters
and I hope that someday I could meet her.
She looks good in chaps and she looks good in a dress.
And if she asked me to love her I would say yes.
Yes, I would say, "Yes."

[BACK TO TOP]

He keeps a list and you've been added.
You're number ninety-nine.
You are shocked and hurt and sad
but high school man is feeling fine.
So you call him late at night.
So you catch him in a lie.
So he tells you, "Come on over."
You get in your Rabbit and you drive.

High school man's got plans for pleasure.
High school man wants to feel alive.
High school man is under pressure.
High school man is twenty-five.

There's a long hair on his pillow.
It's blonde and you're not.
You accuse him as he shuts the window.
High school man is accused a lot.
So you let him reseduce you.
So much for your mental health.
So he looks into the mirror,
smiles, and congratulates himself.

High school man's got plans for pleasure.
High school man wants to have fun.
High school man is under pressure.
High school man wants more than one.

Most likely to succeed with you is High School Man.

The next day your phone does not ring.
Everything is automatic.
He is spending time avoiding
conversations too dramatic.
So he is a juggler.
So you are a bowling pin.
So the circus came to town
and that is exactly where you've been.

High school man's got plans for pleasure.
High school man wants to be free.
High school man is under pressure.
High school man's got a college degree.

[BACK TO TOP]

I loved your best friend and she loved me
just for a season or two.
But now that she is far away
I feel close to you.

She left us far behind
just for a season or two.
And out of sight is out of mind.
My heart beats for you.

But you're off limits to me.

I think I can read your mind
and in it's a treason or two.
Love is anything but blind.
Mine sees through you.

And when I look into your eyes
I see a season or two.
And when I see your face
I find it hard to face the truth

that you're off limits to me.

Yeah, I loved your best friend and she loved me
but now I'm in love with you.
I asked my best friend, "How could this be?"
He said the reason's 'cause you are off limits to me.

[BACK TO TOP]

Space age adjusted radio carbon dating proves
the Earth was created 7,000 years ago.
80,000 animals were saved from the flood.
Noah put them on his ocean liner that he built with pitch and wood.
I was born yesterday, he's twenty centuries old.
I love your body but I'm in it for your soul.

The gates of Megiddo were built by Solomon.
Jesus is knocking on them but we won't let him in.
We're gonna make him wait for us like he made us wait for him.
I love the sinner and I'm jealous of his sin.
Tell them what you did and then do as you're told.
Love his body. He was in it for your soul.

I'm not in it for your money, I'm not in it for your mind.
I'm not in it for your future or what I'd have to leave behind.
My heart is open but my eyes are closed.
I love your body but I'm in it for your soul.

The southern preacher's got me hooked on the radio.
A thousand miles ahead of me and nowhere else to go.
My soul is made of earth and when I die it will be
just as if it never was. I can't let this happen to me.
For a little here and now I pull off the road.
I love my body but I'm in it for my soul.

Soon I'm sitting sideways in a windowless room
looking at a woman who looks a lot like you.
And in her nakedness I imagine her to be
the whore of Jerusalem pulling mandrakes from a tree.
She makes me an offer I can't refuse. No, no, no.
I love her body but I'm in it for your soul.

I'm not in it for your money, I'm not in it for your mind.
I'm not in it for your future or what I'd have to leave behind.
You could lose your eyes to blindness, you could lose your hair.
Risk and lose life and limb, I'm not going anywhere.
Yes, I love the flesh that covers up your bones.
I love your body but I'm in it for your soul.
I love your body but I'm in it for your soul...

[BACK TO TOP]

I know a few of them.
Strangely, they're all unique,
exotically beautiful, and original.
In each case I was shocked
when I found out they had copies.

But the one who tailgated me today
and cut me off as I got onto the Meadowbrook
From the Northern State
while talking on her cell phone
ruined the pattern.

Is it unlucky for your family
or lucky that you are two?
And would it ease their pain
or deepen it
if you were killed in an accident
because of your reckless driving?

[BACK TO TOP]

I had plans with you at eight to eat.
At six I saw her on the street.
She said, "I'm hungry. Come with me."
I said, "Well, I'll keep you company."

And then I figured, I'll have a drink,
what's the harm in a bite or two?
"Give me some of those garlic things."
By seven-thirty I was full.

Twice, twice.
I went out to dinner twice.
Twice, twice.
But the second time with you was just as nice.

I promised I would wait for you
as soon as we saw that great preview.
But you were busy and she was free
the day it came to a theatre near me

and I figured, Oh she'll forget,
she wouldn't mind, she'll never know.
I'll just show her some bad review
and she won't even want to go.

Twice, twice.
I sat through that movie twice.
Twice, twice.
But the second time with you was just as nice.

I'm so sorry.
This is my confession.
Please forgive me.
Yes, I think I've learned my lesson.
Going through things the second time is so much harder
but I'll do it for you.
Yes, I am your little martyr.
Don't be jealous.
What I had with her is in the past.
She came first but what matters most is who comes last.
And that is you, babe.
It's you I could not do without.
Now let me tell you about the part that I left out.

Your plane was landing at ten o'clock.
I was coming to pick you up.
She dropped in to say hello
as I was getting dressed to go.
She said, "C'mon baby for old time's sake.
What's the harm in a bite or two?
You'll have time to recuperate.
Or don't you think you'll be able to do it twice?"

Twice.
So like I went out to dinner twice.
Twice, twice.
Like I sat through that movie twice.
Twice, twice. Oh!
But the second time with you was just as nice.

[BACK TO TOP]

If you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all.
Don't say anything at all.

[BACK TO TOP]

Born with a dog's sense of smell
and the ability to say what he detects,
he tripped on a sprinkler head
and tore up his left knee.

It was an uncovered peril but still they suggested
that he fell on purpose and that it served him right.
He's from my hometown and he made the news
by firing his gun into the air last night.

He was wearing a bulletproof vest.
It was the only thing he was wearing.
He tried to get a deep breath.
He said, "I know a war is coming."

He takes pride in the fact that he buys his own napkins
instead of collecting them in increments
from delis and fast food restaurants
like the rest of us do.

These are the tools of repression.
How does a blind man feel about eye contact,
the look in her eyes, love at first sight,
reading your watch under a streetlamp at night?

He wants to hear it. We owe it to him.
Make it sound good. Describe, describe.
After all we're all alike.
None of us has ever died.

I saw an advertisement on my television
for a hundred hymens. You could send away.
But when I went back to look again
it only said, "A HUNDRED HYMNS."

But they had already filled me up
with an exuberance I didn't want.
I started to feel dirty, I didn't want it to last
so I went on a diet that turned into a fast.

That's when I decided I needed a compact mirror
to look at the back of my head.
But there was a girl in the pharmacy
and I'd see her often and again.

I didn't want her to know how vain I was
so I came back later. I was gone a week.
The compact mirror was still there.
It was still there but so was she.

I happened to be learning FORTRAN at the time
and I said, "Do you have any of that yellow tape?"
She said, "No but I know where things are obsolete.
Here's my number, call me later and you'll go there with me."

But she made plans like she was in the movies.
She said, "Meet me in the park on Friday morning."
Then she hung up without saying goodbye
like neither one of us would die.

Like none of us will ever really die.

I told my barber not to use the thinning scissors on top.
"You don't thin thin," he said.
"You see that sign? It doesn't say,
'Second Best Barber in Town' or 'Third Best.'"

There's a hairline in the back of the head, though.
And he was not aware of it.
When he held up his hand-held mirror
I saw that the back of my head looked like a capital V.

Now I'm starting to remind myself of you.
You moved from the state of Missouri
because you didn't like your license photo.
You also didn't like its postal abbreviation, MO.

You were mad at Mississippi and Michigan
For taking MS and MI.
Then you took a desperate swipe at Maine
for being ME when it should be MA.

"But what about Massachusetts?" I said.
"What the hell are they supposed to do?"
You didn't have an answer. I didn't think you would.
So you drove off in a cloud of maize and blue.

But your tires would've screeched in that state
no matter how slowly you took a turn.
On your way through Nebraska you told a waitress
that tonsils and adenoids help identify invaders.

They even help in destroying them.
Did my parents know this when they signed the forms?
Mine are gone, yours are fine
and neither one of us has died.

None of us has ever died,
none of us has ever really died.

The clerk at the computer store made catastrophic jokes
like the one about the forger in the Great Escape
and the seeing eye dog that was left in a car
with the windows closed. I just wanted that tape.

The laptops and the desk tools made me dream about you.
You don't know this about me
but I've been camping enough times to get that sweet longing
whenever I smell a dying fire.

Mozart (1756-1791).
You ( ).
One day things will be
filled in.

Modern gravestones are fancy, though.
And you may never have your own pair of parenthesis.
No one is lucky enough anymore
to have "Rest in Peace" written "R.I.P."

I want a stone from the Haunted House
at Disneyland for mine.
Disneyland or maybe even Disneyworld
where no one ever dies.

The girl in lane twenty-three,
her form was distracting me.
There was another human involved.
It was her brother who was blind and bowled better than me.

He said, "That would've been a strike, you know,
if all of the pins were there."
That's when I got two gutter balls
and scored them as a spare.

Then I went to a psychic at Everywoman's Village
to find out why I was a failure.
She looked at my hand and said, "Uh-oh.
You don't respond to chain letters, do you?

"You can see through me what it's like to be free,
I can see through you what it's like to be happy."
Oh, but she had it all wrong.
"Don't be sad," she said.
"He wouldn't want you to be."

"Too bad," I said.
"He abdicated his right to say what he wants for me."
Then her phone started ringing and it wouldn't stop.
It was ringing so insistently.

"Go ahead," she said. "Answer it."
I did. It was a vow calling.
It was an unruly mob that said,
"You can't hear G-d with the television on."

I left and went walking in New York City.
I saw a duck in a baby carriage and the idle sun.
Then I became the son of a man
who'd overtaxed his lungs.

There's a new area code now and he wouldn't recognize us.
He used to live here when he lived.
Found in his wallet was the number of a radio station
he meant to call but never did and never will.

Found in his wallet was a card meant to remind him
of his next dental checkup.
We didn't know his teeth
were the sturdiest part of him.

Nothing happened yesterday
and the New York Times had a blank front page.
But today I read that a woman
built a water fountain

from her grandmother's death mask.
And later on she was arrested
after claiming that the Virgin Mary
appeared to her in toilet water.

I guess a puddle or a cloud or a window pane
is a more appropriate setting for a sighting of the mother of Christ.
But everything is holy now. Let her go,
Mary knows where people's minds are and she'll go

wherever she has to go
to whisper things into their ears.
She's got no human pride
and she'll go anywhere.

She'll say, "You all still have the chance
to redeem yourselves in His eyes.
You're all still aware, you're all still alive,
you're all still awake. You didn't die."

None of us has ever died.
None of us has ever really died.
Who's seen the other side?
None of us 'cause none of us has died.
None of us has ever really died...

[BACK TO TOP]

I went down on you with a bloody lip
and that took a lot of faith.
After being up for an hour or two
I gambled all my money away.

Now I'm not embarrassed to look at you
when the credits come up.
I know what you're thinking.
"We should have known it would suck."

And I couldn't make it go away.

You bite your lip when you eat too fast
or when you're nervous or at fault.
You bite your lip when you're caught red handed
and sometimes for no reason at all.

Last night I dreamt that a woman
made up of you and my sister
cut off both my hands
at the top of a hollow tower.

And as I fell back down inside
I was mouthing the words, I love you.
I was smiling in silence.
I died but I kept breathing.

I couldn't make it go away,
I couldn't make it go away.

You bite your lip when you eat too fast
or when you're nervous or at fault.
You bite your lip when you're caught red handed
and sometimes for no reason at all.

I was lying in bed this morning
fast-forwarding Ron Jeremy.
I started to search for that line "Made of Earth"
in my Bible but it didn't turn up.

You barged in and stared at me
and I knew what you were thinking.
What else could I do but to stare back at you
and try to fend off blinking?

I couldn't make it go away,
I couldn't make it go away,
I couldn't make it go away.

You bite your lip when you eat too fast
or when you're nervous or at fault.
You bite your lip when you're caught red handed
and sometimes for no reason at all.
Sometimes for no reason at all.
Sometimes there's no reason at all.

[BACK TO TOP]

Well, there's just no cure for this addiction of mine.
I need so much more today than I did when I was nine.
The vanilla-flavored ones are all wrapped up in blue.
If you eat three at a time it's like your mouth is full of glue.
But the brown ones are the best and I love to eat 'em down.
Sometimes I'll have nine or ten when there's no one else around.

Oh, Tootsie Roll, we go way way back.
I don't know what you got inside but it must be what I lack.

I have a love that shudders. I have a love that shines.
But I don't have much more today than I did when you were mine.
The mornings in your room, what we used to do.
Those were good old times when we were making times that were new.
But the evenings were the best and I loved to take you down.
I loved to hold you close to me and make you make a sound like

Oh, Tootsie Roll, we go way back.
I don't know what you got inside but it must be what I lack.
Oh, Tootsie Roll, we go way back.
I don't know what you got inside but it must be what I lack.
I don't know what you got inside but it must be what I lack.

[BACK TO TOP]

Girl in a big white sweater
who drove away in a little red car,
you're making me cry and I just wanna die
and I don't even know who you are.

We passed on the post office threshold.
When I saw you my adrenaline rushed.
I wanted to speak but my tongue was too weak
and my nerve by my shyness was crushed.

I know that you must have liked me.
I can tell 'cause I'm very astute.
When I bumped into the door
and dropped my things on the floor
I could tell you thought I was cute.

Girl in a big white sweater
who drove away in a little red car,
you're fillin' my head and I wanna be dead
and I don't even know who you are.

I went out to the parking lot,
pretended to be opening my trunk.
You drove by, my eye met your eye,
whether you winked or just blinked my heart sunk.

I cut off seven people
chasin' you down the street.
I was trying to find you, I was too far behind you,
I was hittin' the gas with both feet.
Yeah, I speeded 'cause I needed to meet

the girl in a big white sweater
who drove away in a little red car.
You're probably married, I wanna be buried,
I don't even know who you are.

I was runnin' out of gas
and I'd have to stop and refuel.
Then I hit a red light,
why is love at first sight and destiny so cruel?

Tell me, would it be romantic
or would I just be a pudding head
to tape one note or more to the post office door
with my name and my number that said,

"To the girl in a big white sweater
who drove away in a little red car,
you're makin' me cry and I just wanna die
and I don't even know who you are"?

Girl in a big white sweater
who drove away in a little red car,
my precious dove, I'm deeply and truly in love,
I just wanna know who you are.

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Eve, in her nakedness, was unashamed.
She talked with the animals and handed out their names.
The lion and the lamb laid down next to Eve.
The serpent at her side didn't want to leave.

And she was five-three,
black hair, brown eyes,
TS, TV, one pair, disguised.

God blessed the animals, "Be fruitful and have fun."
But Eve was just like Him, complete and whole and one.
There was no envy and the angels were displeased.
There was no lust under the knowledge in the trees.

And she was five-three,
black hair, brown eyes,
TS, TV, one pair, disguised.

Sharp lightning split the sky and the sky began to weep.
With the rolling of the thunder God lulled Eve to sleep.
The angels gathered her and carried her to Him.
He held a scalpel blade and "He" is a homonym.

And she was five-three,
black hair, brown eyes,
TS, TV, one pair.

[BACK TO TOP]

I heard you were Marie Antoinette for Halloween.
I guess yours was the prettiest head on the guillotine.
You told me when you left me
I'd always have a piece of your heart.
But tell me, don't we have to be buried
with our missing parts?

Hundreds of thousands of people are losing millions of pounds.
I was entering doom in the form of the Holland Tunnel when I found out
Moses on the mountain top said, "That land's not for me.
I'm gonna have to die right here.
Get me a notary.

I want a big funeral.
I want a big funeral.
I invite you all,
we'll have a ball,
then we'll let our terror fall."

I like it when the sportsman is trampled by the moose.
And I'm always for the elephant whenever he gets loose.
They said I shouldn't talk so I had to remove my belt
for what I condemn in them how can I accept in myself?

Hundreds of thousands of people are losing millions of pounds.
I was entering doom in the form of the Holland Tunnel when I found out
Jesus on the cross said, "This won't be enough
to get God to forgive them for everything they've done.

I'll have a big funeral.
I want a big funeral
with lots of tears and lended ears
and it's gonna have to last for years and years."

Not even Bernadette Peters can get me to buckle up.
Don't get me a fancy coffin when I flip my truck.
When I wake up in the next world
if there's any way to contact you I promise
I'll stay far away.

If I had a sabre-leg or a Hepplewhite chair
I would sit around all day
daydreaming and staring off into space.
I'd think of my face and I'd wonder how I'd look
when they laid me to rest.
Would you come be my guest?
Would you sign my In Memoriam book?

Hundreds of thousands of people are losing millions of pounds.
I was entering doom in the form of the Holland Tunnel when I found out
I don't want to be buried with my missing parts.
Just throw me a big funeral. You can hold it in your backyard.

I want a big funeral.
I want a big funeral.
I want my death to affect your life but don't let it ruin it.

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I knew her before you knew her.
Isn't that strange?
I knew her before you knew her.
That can't be changed.
I knew her before you knew her.
That's sad but it's true.
I knew her before you knew her,
before she knew you.

And when she was just a girl this was a different world.

I'd fly down and she'd meet me at
the Fountainbleu or the Diplomat.
Or in a rented car I'd drive
too fast up I-95.
On my grandfather's dock, on her stepmother's bed,
our bodies turned bronze and our faces turned red.
Under the stars we'd sit at the shore
with the moon and the man o wars.

I knew her before you knew her,
before you arrived.
I knew her before you knew her,
before she ever knew you were ever even alive.
I knew her before you knew her
and you can't disagree.
I knew her before you knew her.
Before you there was me.

And when she was just a kid I'll tell you what I did.

I crashed a party 'cause I knew she was there.
I found her dancing near the bottom of the stairs.
And so I took her outside for a walk in the snow,
temperature and hands below
zero and each others' coats
but I'm not looking to compare notes.
I don't really know what I'm looking for.
All I know is I don't know her no more.

I knew her before you knew her.
Hey, I'm not looking for a fight.
It's just that I knew her before you knew her
and I think that gives me some rights.
I knew her before you knew her,
I knew her way back when.
I knew her before you knew her.
Now I want to know her again.

[BACK TO TOP]

The other day I was looking at myself in the mirror.
I was naked and I saw a roll of fat.
I said, "How did this happen? When did this happen?
I didn't used to look like that!"

I used to be buff, I used to be ripped,
I used to be mean.
I used to be cut, I used to be pumped,
sinewy, and lean.

Yeah, I used to be so cut,
I used to be so buff.
I used to get up every morning and jog like five miles.
Five miles was never even enough.

So I'd do sixty push-ups without stopping,
thirty pull-ups all at one time.
Then I'd do like two-hundred sit-ups
and not that good for your back wimpy kind.

I did curls 'till it felt like my arms would fall off.
My biceps burned I was on fire.
Then I'd punch my punching bag
while blasting "Eye of the Tiger."

I jumped rope, I did jumping jacks,
I swam laps in the rain.
I had a sign taped to my full-length mirror that said,
"NO PAIN NO GAIN."

I used to be buff, I used to be ripped,
I used to be mean.
I used to be cut, I used to be pumped,
sinewy, and lean.

Come over here, baby. I've got something to show you.
It's an old photo of me.
Check out that washboard stomach.
You can call it a six pack if you want to.
It's all ripply.

Check out my hairless chest,
check out my muscular pose.
Now just hold that image in your mind, sweetheart,
while I take off your clothes.

What's wrong, honey?
Don't you have an imagination?
Well then pretend I'm still sixteen.
Yeah, you can close your eyes if you want to.
It's better sight unseen.

I used to be so buff.
Does that turn you on?
I can turn off all these lights
or better yet you can put this blindfold on.

I used to be buff, I used to be ripped,
I used to be mean.
I used to be cut, I used to be pumped,
sinewy, and lean.

[BACK TO TOP]

She's on the phone on the toilet,
she's on the toilet on the phone.
She's never incommunicado
and God forbid never alone, never alone.

There are six numbers that she pays for.
That's no hyperbole at all.
You can almost always reach her
if you know which one to call.

First of all she's got the house phone,
then the emergency line.
I don't know why it's even called that.
Her friends call it all the time.

Then there's the number for the fax machine
and one in her office upstairs.
And, of course, she's got her cell phone
and she pays for mine. So there.

Her answering machine is overloaded.
Flashing and blinking it does stay.
The calls come in 'till after midnight
and they begin at break of day.

Whenever I answer the house phone
I get her makeup on my ear
and so the goddamn thing rings off the hook.
Don't they know it's just me here?

Sometimes she'll call me just to chit-chat
when I'm working in the house.
I say, "We'll just talk when you get here."
She says, "I'm on the driveway now."

She comes in in a whirlwind,
her talking lips kiss me hello,
she goes and plays all of her messages,
and then she says she has to go.

You may be wondering, Why does she
come home to check her messages?
Can't she just check them from her cell phone?
She does not know how to do this.

I tried to teach her but she couldn't learn.
A certain part of her brain's locked.
The same part that after a blackout
might help her to adjust her clock.

Sometimes I don't know where she's hiding
so I go searching for a sound.
That's when I hear her muffled voice from
where the water flushes down.

She's on the phone on the toilet,
she's on the toilet on the phone.
She's never incommunicado
and, God forbid, never alone, never alone.

Last week she's talking on the land-line.
Her portable wasn't dead.
It was just hiding underneath some
folded laundry on the bed.

The land-line used to have a long cord
but it would clothesline everyone
and it would sweep things off the counter.
O coiled cord so cumbersome.

And so we got this really short cord
but it restricts her when she speaks.
She doesn't like this one iota.
It's multitasking that she seeks.

And so she sent me on a mission
to retrieve her misplaced phone.
I had to go locate the handset.
I pushed the button, followed tones.

I gave her back her prized possession
and she did what she sometimes does.
Talked on the phone while eating breakfast.
And then afterwards she was

on the phone on the toilet,
on the toilet on the phone,
never incommunicado,
and, God forbid, never alone, never alone.

Last month I took her to the opera.
They said, "Please turn off your phones."
It felt so good to know I had her,
that she was mine and mine alone.

I couldn't wait for her reaction
to the first act at its end.
But while everyone was clapping
she was already pushing SEND.

She talked and yapped and then she gossiped.
She even laughed and chewed the fat.
We didn't have one conversation
between any of the acts.

When we were driving in the old days
she'd say, "Turn off the radio.
Whatever happened to discussion?"
But is it like that now? Oh no!

See, on the way home from the opera
she was taking all these calls.
Like fifty times I had to listen
to those few bars of "Le Grand Waltz."

That's the song her ring is set to.
Now I can't chase it from my head.
I'm like obsessive and compulsive.
I wish it rang like this instead ...

This morning she was in the bathroom.
She had her cell phone and it rang.
I happened to be right outside the door
and I spontaneously sang:

"She's on the phone on the toilet,
she's on the toilet on the phone."
I thought these two lines had a nice ring
and, as you'll see, I was not alone.

She came out holding back a smile,
still talking on the phone,
telling somebody what I'd just sung,
laughing, "Can't I ever be alone?"

But then she saw me writing down stuff
and the smile left her face.
She said, "Don't dare make that a lyric."
But it was already too late.

She's on the phone on the toilet,
she's on the toilet on the phone.
May she always have ten messages
and may she never be alone, be alone.

[BACK TO TOP]

At one point I knew what could take the place of sleep.
I knew it was you. I thought what you gave me I'd be able to keep.
At one point I knew your name and number by heart.
I guess I still do. I should have torn those things apart.

At one point I knew every scar on your back.
I knew about you. I knew the fiction from the fact.
At one point I knew that with you my thoughts were safe
so I told you the truth. I gave you the kill, you only wanted the chase.

I wished for you and what did I get?
You've come and gone and I'm not done wishing yet.

At one point I knew how to listen and react
to someone like you, twirling your hair and turning your back.
At one point I knew all the rules to every game.
Yeah, I wished for you and then I wished you never came.

[BACK TO TOP]

My hands are full of things for you,
things from far away,
treasures from some corners of the world.
The antique lady bought them there
and brought them back and put them where
I go for you, not any other girl.

There are necklaces and sandals from Mexico, handmade.
Your favorite Louis Armstrong record, never been played.
Handkerchiefs and halter tops, I know the things you like.
A basket and a bell for your bike.

When I walk into her store to buy anything at all,
let's say a swimming suit for summer or maybe a rake for the fall,
you're with me in my thoughts and I see you with the rake
and I see you in my swimming suit with me at the lake

and I give everything to you.
I give you everything.

I said I'd buy my sister a shovel for the winter.
She's trapped in her house now, snowed in.
I said I'd buy my mother an umbrella for the spring.
She's drenched to the bone now. I give you everything.

I give everything to you. I keep nothing for myself,
nothing for anybody else. I give you everything.

I hurt my leg testing out an iron cot
so I thought I'd buy myself a wooden cane.
But then I thought about the play you're writing
and how you'll need a prop
for that character who's always in such pain

and I gave everything to you.
I gave you everything.

I'm a little slower now,
my leg never healed right.
But last week I limped back to the antique store.
The old lady was so happy I bought everything in sight
and so excited that she dropped dead on the floor.

I meant to pay my respects to her at her wake
but I never made it there.
And the flowers that I meant to bring to her funeral
wound up looking pretty in your hair.
Yeah, flowers that are meant for a funeral
wind up looking pretty in your hair.

I give everything to you.
I keep nothing for myself,
nothing for anybody else.
I give you everything.

[BACK TO TOP]

I used to be in love with a picture on the back of a book.
The book was 'The Age of Innocence.'
I used to stare at the picture before going to bed
and I'd imagine Edith Wharton's ghost appearing
and saying, "It's been a hundred years since we've met.
It's been a hundred years since we've met.
It might be another hundred before we meet again."
And I'd give her yellow roses
and we'd rub off each other's angles
and maybe go for a sleigh ride
but not like the one in Ethan Frome.
And as she vanished into thin air she would say,
"I can't love you unless I give you up."
And she wouldn't spend the night, no, no, no.
She wouldn't spend the night with me.
She wouldn't spend the night, no.
She’d keep it. Oh, she'd keep it.

I can tell you all this now and I know that it's all right
after what you told me last night. You said,

"I am in love with a picture in my wallet.
The picture's of Alexander Hamilton.
How handsome he looks on the new ten-dollar bill.
I developed this crush on the very day he dueled with Burr
a hundred-and-ninety-seven years ago.
I hate Aaron Burr. I hate that murderer!
Alexander was born in Nevis and (I have the chills)
he lived in New York where I live now
and I believe I lived back then, too.
Sure, he's a lawyer but I've decided
I want to be taken care of.
So I don't spend the bills, no, no, no.
I don't spend the bills, no, no, no.
I don't spend the bills with Alexander on them.
No, I keep them. Oh, I keep them."

Now, Edith, she would be a-hundred-and-forty.
And she just wouldn't look the same as she did then
even with the estrogen treatments.
And you'd be taking care
of a two-hundred and forty-seven year old man.
And he just wouldn't be the same as he was when
he came up with The Doctrine of Implied Powers.
No, yours wouldn't be a house of mirth.
Now there's a petition to get Hamilton replaced.
They want to put on Ronald Reagan's face.
Well we could start a counter-petition.
We'll get everyone to sign and in honor
of the whiskey tax from now on we'll drink wine.
And if we fail I'll help you get him off your mind.
Newland Archer's fate will never be mine!
You could spend the night.
You could spend the night with me.
We could make our own history
but it's alright. Yeah, it's alright
if you won't spend the night.
If you won't spend the night with me
then we won't spend the night, we'll keep it.
Oh, we'll keep it.

[BACK TO TOP]

I feel six feet tall. My feet touch the wall.
Your feet are so small. I'm trying to make you smile.
Everything is white. Everything is clean.
If I can't sleep tonight I'll blame it on caffeine.

And it feels like dawn but it's not.
It's only two o'clock in the morning.

Those owls are pigeons bred outside on the ledge.
"Those birds are mice," you said. "They can't get on the bed."
If I was allowed I'd join you on a cloud
higher than the Dow. If I was allowed.

And it feels like dawn. Are you sure
that it's not even four in the morning?

I can feel your breath. You should get some rest.
But you won't unless you control your guest.
Make me shut my eyes. Make me shut my mouth.
I like your bed this size. I like your bed this crowded.

And it feels like dawn and it is, the clock insists.
It's a quarter to six in the morning.

Just three feet away from your window pane
there's a wall that's gray. It's hiding you from day,
it's hiding you from night, it's casting a soft light.
And other lives are lived behind the bricks in it.

And I guess the dawn's come and gone.
How time flies. It's seven-forty-five in the morning.

Everything is white. I held myself at bay.
I stayed with you all night. I forgot to pray.

And it feels like dawn
even though our night has ended.
It's twenty-five to ten.
When can we do this again?
I've been a perfect gentleman and it's morning.

[BACK TO TOP]

It ran its course. It dressed us down.
We looked for shapes but not in clouds.
In puddle stains instead for we were always looking down.

[BACK TO TOP]

I'm looking for cedar, I'm longing for pine.
My bloods are calling out in any language they can find.
Storm-tossed and sickened, my motel towels smell
just like maple syrup. I don't feel so well.
But I'd rather be this hollow, I'd rather be this light
than be filled up with the plate of food I ate last night.

When I swallowed tin foil I held a magnet to my mouth,
I changed my screens to storm doors,
I hung out upside down.
Now I believe in Bigfoot and the Loch Ness monster, too.
But I can call my search off now.
I've found them both in you.
You treat me so nicely,
you lick your lips at me.
You taught me how to aim so you could let your maids go free.

The Gardens of Eden were made for times like this.
How badly I want something.
I want to know what it is.
I want it but I don't know what it is.

We'll leave from the port of the Everglades.
We'll enjoy the honeymoon before the wedding cake.
It'll feel like we're cheating, it'll feel like we'll be cursed.
Don't reheat those pancakes, they were bad enough at first.
Please don't stay at home, please come out with me.
You don't have to do your books alphabetically.

The Gardens of Eden. No, really. I insist.
How badly I want something.
I want to know what it is.
I want it but I don't know what it is.

Now the dust is off your shelves, my dust is all alone.
My funeral parlor's busy, it's just me and my dead bones.
I'll quit my dirty hobbies, we'll sail to cleaner times
as soon as I'm done looking for bumps that look like mine.
I won't need my prescriptions, tomato juice will do.
The ceramic cup you made me has poison in its blue.

Sweet sleep is finally coming. It hasn't come for days.
May it last through Okeechobee, may it last through Tampa Bay.
You could have just accused me, you could have made me cry.
But you invited sickness and my sickness replied, "I will attend."
The Gardens of Eden. But are they worth the wish?
Whatever is to be may be worse than what is.
The Gardens of Eden have cedar wood and pine.
How badly I want something. I want to make it mine.
I want it but I don't know what it is.
I want it but I don't know what it is.
I want it but I don't know what it is.

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