We are all reactors. We react to stimuli
But I always start to laugh where others they might cry.
"Tee-he-ha-ha-ha" just sounds better than "Boo-hoo-hoo."
If you think I’m talking rot I got examples. Here’s a few:

I went to the doctor 'cause I had to get a shot
Who knows where I got it or what it was I got?
He held that needle high and said, "You’re gonna feel a pinch."
That needle was like two-feet long if it was an inch

And I said, "He-he-ha-ha-ha. He-he-he-he-ho-ho-ho."
I giggled and I chuckled in that way.
I laughed my little laugh and I felt better by half
And I still think going to the doctor is okay.

I got more examples for you to sample.
Times I doubled up in laughter when they all expected me to weep.
Let’s see. Oh, here’s one…

I was riding bikes with my good friend Mike
I wobbled down the hill a little faster than I’d have liked
I hit a big pothole and it made me lose control
I flew over the handlebars and to the curb I rolled.

And I said, "He-he-ha-ha-ha. He-he-he-he-ho-ho-ho."
I snickered from my head down to my feet.
I laughed my little laugh and I felt better by half.
And I chuckle still when I fall to the street.
Yeah, battle scars are kinda neat.

Now, this little quirk of my personality,
one of the many personality quirks I’m in possession of,
works in the opposite direction too. You see when I was turning seven…

I had a birthday party and all my friends were there.
We played a lot of party games and I won them fair and square.
We’d hired a singer too. We could barely afford his fee.
And when he sang a rousing Happy Birthday just for me

I said, "Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo. Waa aa aa aa aa."
And I sniveled and sobbed until my cheeks were soaked.
I cried and ran away. And I heard my mother say,
"He’s all mixed up. He’s gone and climbed the oak tree."
Yeah, they were worried about me.

The firemen arrived and said, "We’ll get him down alive."
They climbed up on their ladder but that disturbed a big old hive
The honey bees flew out and they started to swarm about.
I got a dozen stings but did I cry or scream or shout?

No, I said, "He-he-ha-ha-ha. He-he-he-he-ho-ho-ho."
And I busted a gut and cackled in great glee.
I laughed my little laugh and I felt better by half.
And bugs that bite and sting still tickle me.
Like mosquitoes, even fleas.

C’mon, he-he-ha-ha-ha. Ho-ho-ho-ho-who-who-who.
Chortle, cackle, giggle along with me.
Laugh your little laugh. You’ll feel better by half.
Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha-he-he-he-he-he.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-he-he-he-he-he.

[BACK TO TOP]

Shalom, everybody. Ma Nishmah?
Hey, wait. Where ya’ goin’?
Sleechah!
Hmm. Let’s see what kind of ruckus I can raise in town today.
What are these? Hmm.
Well, todah raba to whoever left them here. And betayavon.

Ani m'dabear Eavrit.
Ata m'dabear Eavrit.
We all m'dabear with pizzazz and flair.
Even that bear on the street.

Vhat? Zhere’s a bear on zhe street
V hoo m'dabear Eavrit?
Cain, he’s in pain and his tears fall like rain
'Cause he ate my soccer cleats. Heave ho!

He didn’t like the spikes or the leather or the laces
or the soles or the goals they scored.
So he washed them down with a pint of dirt
And he strolled into town with a stomach that hurt.
And he plopped himself down to have dessert
And to wreck my checkerboard.

Then a ping-pong paddle he sniffed.
And a hobbity horse he licked.
Then he scrounged around the lost and found
And swallowed a pogo stick. Heave Ho!

Oh, it's rare to be light on your feet
When you dare to eat some laces
Or bite a shoe that paces or kicks a ball.
This tale sounds tall
But he learned to speak Hebrew
one summer last fall.
That's quite a feat! And he didn’t even cheat.
There's a spring in his step and he’s got some pep
For a Hebrew-speaking bear who ate some soccer cleats.

But the spring in his step is from the pogo stick
That he swallowed whole. Yeah, it took its toll.
Now he hops like a bunny. And at first we thought it funny
But you can’t even hide in a tree anymore
'Cause he springs in the air. The advantage is unfair.
And he's burping up a storm and he's rotten to the core.
Or maybe just rusting at the core.

Ani m'dabear Eavrit.
Ata m'dabear Eavrit.
We all m'dabear with pizzazz and flair.
Even that bear on the street. Heave ho!

Ma Ha'anyanim, kids?! Do your shoes have rubber soles and tongues and holes?
I like the stripes and heels. They're ripe. Ripe for the picking. And even the licking.
Yeah, sour and sweet are your shoes. But the feet. Hey, I wonder how a foot would taste.
If the shoes are that good then I, for one, would definitely like to try the feet!
Sounds fun. Let's make haste. To the campground. It's a race.
A race to the foot! It’s a foot race.
L'hitraot! And Itriyot too!
Mmmm, I’m making myself hungry.

[BACK TO TOP]

Little bee, I want to play with you
But I'm afraid.
Little bee, I am suspicious of you.
I think you like me for my…
My what?
…lemonade.

What? You’re saying I have an ulterior motive for hanging around?
Well, I admit I do like lemonade.

Little bee, the color of the sun.
You're keeping me warm.
Little bee, you showed me where you're from.
You introduced me to your…
My what?
…your swarm.

I did?
Yeah, you did.
You met all my drones?
Yes. Hey, can you tell everyone how pretty you are since they can't see you?

Okay. I've got a black belt and a yellow belly.
My knotted back felt like my spine was jelly.
But then the facts melt and you end up kvelling.
Busy little bee buzzing humbly. Buzz around with me.

Little bee, I want to be with you.
Be not afear'd.
Little bee, I long to listen to you
When you're humming in my…
In your what?
…my ear.

A shady tree, a honeycomb.
Always never coming home.
Karma of a Gemini.
Sting me and you'll surely die.

Die? Whatever are you talking about? I'm the queen bee. I don't die.
I'm not some worker bee or honey bee! I can sting multiple times.
I'm the queen! I got no barbs on my stinger at all!
I'll tell you what I've do got though:

I've got a black belt and a yellow belly.
My knotted back felt like my spine was jelly.
But then the facts melt and you end up kvelling.
Busy little bee buzzing humbly. Buzz around with me.

C'mon. Let the whole hive join in!

We've got black belts and yellow bellies.
Our knotted backs felt like our spines were jelly.
But then the facts melt and you end up kvelling.
Busy little bee buzzing humbly. Buzz around with me!

As far as ulterior motives go perhaps you like me for my honey.
No. I like you for you.
Oh, you want to be my king bee?
That sounds nice. But there's no such thing as a king bee.
You could be the first.

[BACK TO TOP]

That's rigatoni, maybe penne, but it's not a thumb puppet.
There's enough sauce in your hair.
Why can't you get some in your stomach?
The table’s not a canvas and your food is not paint.
Did you just say you’re finished?
I got news for you. You ain’t.

Stop asking me to change you into an Elmo diaper.
Take that one off again somebody’s gonna pay the piper.
And it’ll probably be me. Yeah, my sanity’s on the line.
Terrible twos and threes and fours.
Can’t wait until you’re nine.

I think I’m gonna flip my gosh-darned lid.
The kid is all id. The kid is all id. Yeah!

We swung on the swing for an hour today.
And we jumped in the pool and we sang and we played.
And I was subjected to that purple dinosaur
For like the 200th time. I say he's rotten to the core.

Oh you're a cranky devil when you're not in front of the tube.
And you've been a little tyrant since you've been off of the (boooooop).
My nerves are all shot. I'm at the end of my rope.
I don't think I can do it. I don't think that I can cope.
I try to let it slide but my sanity slid.
The kid is all id. The kid is all id. Yeah!

Hey, that's grape juice you’ve got and that’s not a sippy cup!
Take it back to the table. Enough is enough.
Where the heck did he go? Oh my-- he's on the couch!
Where'd he put the grape juice? What's that thing in his mouth?

He eats my guitar picks and shoves food in the sound hole.
Did he go to a cookout? His poop looks like charcoal.
Look at it. It’s strange. What is it? I can’t tell.
It’s like blueberry soft serve yogurt or Carvel.
Uggh. Yikes.

Zhe word “id” is from zhe German and actually means “it”.
It is zhe part of zhe child zhat seeks immediate gratification,
zhat wants vhat it vants when it vants it
with no consideration of zhe consequences whatsoever.
Of course, ve all have zhe id but it is most prevalent in zhe children,
where zhe overbearing superego vith all its rules and regulations
has not yet developed sufficiently enough to induce guilt.
A child vith its ID running rampant is likely to scream in enclosed places,
to interrupt its elders, to—

AHHHHHHH!!!

Simmer down back there! If I hear another sound,
Not to mention that screech, I'm gonna turn this car around.
It's not just annoying. I fear for my hearing.
Where did he get that voice?
I’m gonna lose control of the steering!

I give him purple nurples and pink bellies too.
We work our schedule 'round his naptimes. What else can we do?
Please stop running rampant. Can’t you see it’s just wrong?
I’m sick of having to sing you that Rolling Stones song.
“You Can’t Always Get What You Want” Want Want Want Want!

I know you’re just turning three but why can’t you relax?
I’m gonna blow my stack. I’m stressed out to the max.
Where does it come from, all his verve and vigor and vim
And zest and feistiness? I wish I had as much as him.

He threw my glasses in the pool? Never do that again!
I laid down to go to sleep one time but I can’t remember when.
That cat toy's like a fishing rod. Don't stab him with the pole!
You got the attention span of a two-year-old.

You wouldn’t believe half the things he did.
The kid is all id. The kid is all id. Yeah!

Oh please, let him fall asleep soon.
I’m tired of those Three Little Pigs and even Goodnight Moon.
He’s got enough energy to short out any grid!
Zhe kid is all Id.

[BACK TO TOP]

(by Harold Rome)

[BACK TO TOP]

(by George Gershwin, Ira Gershwin, and Dubose Heyward / additional lyrics by RK)

[BACK TO TOP]

(Traditional / additional lyrics by RK)

As I was going to Derby all on a market day,
I met the biggest ram, my boys, that ever was fed on hay.
He had four feet to walk upon, four feet on which to stand.
And every time he took a step he covered an acre of land.

And indeed, my lads, it's true. My lads, I never was known to lie.
And if you'd been in Derby, you'd have seen him the same as I.

One horn on this ram’s head, me lads, it grew so very long
That every time he shook himself it rattled against the sun.
The other horn on this ram's head, it reached up to the moon.
A little girl went up in January and she didn't get back till June.

And indeed…

This ram he had the sharpest tail. It dug a hole in the ground.
When he began to waggle it it spun the whole world round.
This loosened up his baby teeth which were like ivory towers.
When they fell out they hit the ground and the earth quaked for an hour.

And indeed…

The wool on this ram's back, my boys, it grew so very high.
The eagles came and built their nests and I heard the young 'uns cry.
Now all of this ram's wool, me lads, it made him snort and sneeze.
When he let loose he toppled down a hundred loquat trees.

And indeed…

The man that fed this ram, my boys, he fed him thrice a day (three times).
And every time he opened his mouth he swallowed a rick of hay.
Now all the kids in Derby wanted a ride on this ram's back.
But the man who fed this ram said, "No, he’ll think you’re just a snack."

And indeed…

The man who walked this ram, my boys, he carried a giant scoop.
A shovel the size of a snow plow to clean up this ram's p--

So now my song is ended. I've nothing more to say,
Just give us another box of juice and we'll all of us go away.

[BACK TO TOP]

What has two thumbs and likes ice cream?

This guy.

What has two thumbs and listens to Burl Ives?

This guy.

What has two thumbs and eats two breakfasts?

This guy.

What has two thumbs and watched Das Rheingold
in its entirety yesterday?

This guy.

What has two thumbs and is going to New Zealand this winter?

This guy.

What has two thumbs and can discuss the powers of the tarnhelm
and Alberich’s abuse of them in great length?

This guy.

What has four thumbs and likes chocolate cake?

This guy.

You don't have four thumbs!
What are you, counting your big toes as thumbs?

This guy.

Is that all you can say?

This guy.

Get outta here!

I won't.

[BACK TO TOP]

(Traditional / additional lyrics by RK)

One time my mom came to me and said, "Randy, we're going to the diner for a bite to eat tonight." And I said, "Yes! I’m gonna have waffles and pancakes and grilled cheese well done and orange juice and soda and--." And my mom said, "Hold on a minute, Randy. By 'we' I meant me and your father. You are staying here with the babysitter." And I said,

Don't you leave me here.
Don't you leave me here.
If you just must go-o--o,
Bring me a large root beer.
Don't you leave me here.

My mom said, "You'll be sleeping by the time we get home. And even if you were awake, you can't drink soda that late at night!" And even though I argued, the babysitter came over. She said, "Hiii. How ya' doin'?" and my folks left. The babysitter saw that I was upset so she tried to distract me. She said,

"Randy. Do you know how a rooster crows?"
And I said, "Rooster? That sounds like root beer." And she said,
"Can you make a chicken sound?"
I said, "Chicken? That reminds me.
I wanted to order scrambled eggs!"
And I tried to chase my parents down singing,
Don't you leave me here.

But I didn't get far. I couldn't even get the front door open because the babysitter was barring the way. Then she came up with a game to take my mind off the diner. She said, "Let's play diner." I said, "What’s that?" She said, "I’ll, like, pretend I'm the waitress and you're a guy in the booth. And I'll take your order." I said, "Hmmph." She said, "Okay, sir, what would you like?" I said, "I’ll have pancakes." And she went over to the kitchen and started fussing about in there. She yelled out, "Uchh. It’s so disorganized. Where’s the flour?" I told her and she turned the stove on and mixed stuff and before I knew it she put down in front of me a giant pancake. I said, "Hmmph." She said, "What’s the matter? That’s like the sickest pancake ever!" I said, "I ordered pancakes. With an s. You see...

I never have one pancake at a time.
I always have six, seven, eight, or nine."

And the babysitter said, "Uch. I'm nauseous. Are you talking about silver dollar pancakes? The kind you get at the International House of Stomachaches? Well, I hate to tell you Randy, but your parents didn’t go to the IHOP. No,

They’re Daisy’s Diner bound or Dizzy’s Diner bound."
I said, "I wish they’d stop and turn around
And not be diner bound." But they were diner bound.

So I ate the giant pancake and then we played some other games to pass the time. Parcheesi, Chutes and Ladders, Witch Witch, Don’t Tip the Waiter, Mousetrap, and my favorite, Candyland. I always rigged the cards in advance so that I got the candycanes and gumdrops and my opponent got single color squares. And then I brushed my teeth and got into bed. My babysitter sat on the edge of my bed and said, "Okay, Randy. I'm like, gonna tell you a story." I said, "Okay. That sounds good." And she said, "Do you remember I told you about that girl who smashed her father's DeLorean into the fire hydrant on Orlando Avenue? Well they got the car fixed and let her borrow it again. And she smashed it up again. Into the same fire hydrant. Is that like the sickest thing you ever heard?" And I said, "This story isn’t really appropriate for kids." And she said, "Uch. I'm nauseous. I'm going downstairs to call Marjorie, Stacey, and Nicki. I have to tell them!" And she left my room and as I saw her permanent waved and highlighted hair bounce out of view I said,

"Don’t you leave me here.
Don’t you leave me here.
But if you just must go-o-o,
Bring me a large root beer.
Don’t you leave me here."

[BACK TO TOP]

Is she a girl or is she a monkey?
Is she a girl or is she a monkey?
She’s got a girl’s clothes but she climbs like a monkey.
Is she a girl or is she a monkey?

Is she a girl or is she a monkey?
Is she a girl or is she a monkey?
She’s got a girl’s hair but she hangs like a monkey.
Is she a girl or is she a monkey?

She’s got scrapes on her knees from scaling trees
And brushing against those branches.
Like a leaf in the wind she shakes and dances.

Look at her go! Look out below!
She’s taking risky chances
on brittle little bending branches!

Is she a girl or is she a monkey?
Is she a girl or is she a monkey?
She’s got a girl's smile but she swings like a monkey.
Is she a girl or is she a monkey?

[BACK TO TOP]

(based on the Ezra Jack Keats book Whistle For Willie)

Willie is my best friend and my Dachshund dog.
Willie likes to sit there like a bump on a log.
If I could whistle Willie'd come running.
Well, he’s a Dachshund so he'd jog.

I pucker up and try until my face turns blue.
I sound nothing like the kite or bobwhite at the zoo.
I guess I gotta practice more. Yes, that’s what I’ve got to do.

(Whistling)

Well since I can’t whistle yet I’ll spin around.
My dizzy eyes’ll turn the whole world upside down.
If you want me you can find me. I’ll be in the lost and found.
Yeah, I’ll pretend this carton I found is a lost and found.

I’m quick as a wink and loose as a goose.
Before you can blink I can tie my shoes.
Still I’m sitting in this carton with the w-w-w-whistling blues.

(Whistling)

I’m stooped over lowdown as I walk.
I’m drawing on the ground with a piece of chalk.
I wouldn’t have to whistle if Willie’d listen when I talked.
Like when I say, “C’mere, Willie!” He doesn’t listen.

I’m following the sidewalk, stepping on the cracks.
Now I’m staring in the mirror wearing my father’s hat.
You should hear my father whistle. No one can whistle like that.

He goes: whoo, whoo, but he really whistles good.
Can anybody here whistle? Let me hear you.
Try again. It takes a lot of practice.

Oh, the warp and the woof of whistlin’.
The girls jumping rope, sidewalk sizzlin’.
Whoo whoo whoo. My effort’s fizzlin’.

I just can’t do it, sad but true.
I even did what Lauren Bacall said to do.
I wet my whistle and I put my lips together and blew.

(Whistling)

I’m running from my shadow and I’m hiding now
In the same old carton. Willie, slow as a cow,
Is coming round the corner and I go like this, Whoo. Wow!

(Whistling)

Now I whistle as I do my errands and my chores.
I whistle at the bakery and the grocery store.
And best of all my whistle’s something Willie never ignores!

(Whistling Chorus)

[BACK TO TOP]

(inspired by the Ezra Jack Keats book Jennie’s Hat)

I tried on a straw basket, I tried on a lampshade too.
(I wanted to make myself a great hat.)
I tried on a flower pot. I stuck it to my wig with some glue.
But those flowers made me sneeze, Hat-Hat-Hat-Hat-Hat-Hat-choo!

I tried on everything, anything that was roundabout head-sized.
I tried on a cushion case but the zipper zipped the lids of my eyes.
I tried on a fly strip but no one wants a hat made out of flies.

I tried so many things to make myself a hat that was the best.
I became so dedicated my mother said, “Randy, I think you’re, like, obsessed!”
I turned the kitchen into a millinery and my mom said,
“Randy! Clean up this millinery mess!”

I had a dream last night. In it I was bald.
I was scattering some bird seed, trying to do a good bird call.
Oh yeah. Then all those pretty birds pitched in
To build me a hat like a nest. Round without and within.

It was anything but hatter-of-fact, this dream.
I was far from conscious shores.
I saw hat-erpillars copping hattitudes, pretending to be hatadors.
I started searching for hatural materials. Like straw and iron ore.
That would be one heavy hat for sure.

One bluebird said, “The hat should have orange and brown leaf-like lines.”
But a hummingbird piped up, “Stripes are too weird,
It’ll look like the planet Haturn.” Bluebird said, “Fine.”
I said, “Whatever we do let’s get us a hatent so nobody can steal our design!”

Suddenly, a hattlesnake with a hattoo of a shiny hat hissed on by.
We loved his shiny hat hattoo.
So we got some hatin and finished the hat on the sly.
It was done, it was great, it was perfect, I was hatisfied.

But the hattlesnake was mad because he saw that we’d stolen his idea.
He said, “I’m gonna hat you out,” and into our hearts this struck great fear.
He said, “I’ll swallow that hat whole like I swallow rats that come too near.”

But we begged him and we pleaded. We said, “Please don’t be a hattle tale!”
He said, “I’m gonna sue you all. You’ll all end up in jail!”
Then he slithered back to his hateau. It was as big as the Hatican.
And he left a slimy snake trail.

Then I woke up and tried on a straw basket. I tried on a lampshade too.
I tried on a flower pot. I stuck it to my wig with some glue.
But those flowers made me sneeze, Hat-Hat-Hat-Hat-Hat-Hat-choo!

[BACK TO TOP]

(inspired by the Ezra Jack Keats book Clementina’s Cactus)

I wanna write a desert sonnet. I wanna dance a desert dance.
I got a bee in my bonnet. I got ants in my pants

I wanna throw a desert boulder. I wanna eat a desert pie.
There’s a bluebird on my shoulder. There’s a twinkle in my eye, yeah my eye.

Yeah I, I like cacti.
In fact, I think I love them.
Big sky smiling above them, grinning ear to ear.
I really love it here.

Yeah, there’s a bee in my bonnet. And she sits there in the shade
Of my brim and she’s in there ‘cause I’m drinking lemonade.

And I’m walking through the desert with my very skinny friend.
And I’m back, it’s a fact, to the place I recommend.
I recommend the desert because

I, I like cacti.
As a matter of fact, I really love them.
Big sky smiling above them, grinning ear to ear to ear.
I really love it here.

Cactus flower blooming bright,
Blooming in the desert night.
Your sharp spines like hornets’ stings.
Don’t worry. I won’t count your rings.

What attracts us about a cactus? I think it keeps us thinking warm.
All that sand gets soaked in a desert thunderstorm.

Yeah, I like the salamander and the burros and the weevils too.
But, Prickly Pear, there ain’t nothing that compares to you.
You’re the best. I guess it’s just that

I, I like cacti.
In fact, I think I love them.
Big sky smiling above them, grinning ear to ear to ear.
I really love it here.

[BACK TO TOP]

(by Michelle Fiordaliso)

Papa Ling took Jo-Jo’s boo-boo out.
He did it so nicely Jo-Jo didn’t even shout.

[BACK TO TOP]

This is a song about Joe and Finn.
Joe and Finny were the best of friends.
They used to run around hopping and playing in the backyard nude.
Splashing and dancing and laughing in the kiddie pool.

The breeze would blow, the summer sun would shine.
And Holly would play, “Mama, You’ve Been on My Mind.”
And I would sing.
And Michelle would sit on the blanket with Papa Ling.

But this ain’t a song about us, no.

This is a song about Finn and Joe.
They were the best of friends in case you didn’t know.
One time Joe got a splinter and he started to cry.
So his momma gave him kisses on his nose and on his ears and on his eyes.

And once Joe ate some of Finny’s snack.
So Finny tried to bite him just to get him back.
And Virginia would growl and fight with Cody and Red.
And the shock collar didn’t work half as well as Holly said.

But this ain’t a song about that, no.

This is a song about Joe and Finn.
Joe and Finny were the best of friends.
They would chase each other around with the garden hose.
Butterflies would flutter by. Mosquitoes tried to bite their noses.

But this ain’t a song about bugs. Uh-uh.

This is a song about Finn and Joe.
Finn and Joe, in case you didn’t know,
Were the very best friends that three-year-olds could be.
They’ll maybe even stay a sliver in each others’ memories.

Way back then on the island long
The kids would play and I’d sing some songs.
I’d sing “Just to Bring My Holly Home.”
And Michelle’s cell would ring. I’d want to smash that phone.

But this ain’t a song about us, no.

This is a song about Joe and Finn.
Joe and Finny were the best of friends.
They used to run around laughing and playing in the backyard nude.
Splashing and dancing and swimming in the kiddie pool.
Splashing and dancing and swimming in the kiddie pool. Nude.

[BACK TO TOP]

(by Joseph Rumi Fiordaliso-Riahi)

I was dreaming so galore.
I was dreaming by the door.
I had bad ones and some good too.
I wasn’t happy without you.

I was lonely for you.
I was lonely for you.

[BACK TO TOP]

(by Bob Dylan)

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